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Have you ever lost something?
Something of major value?
Something that could cause a financial problem or could mean a major fight with your spouse?
Maybe you lost the receipt to the brand new laptop you bought that doesn’t work.
Or lost the car keys for the 10th time this week and you’re already running late to work.
Or… my favorite… you’ve locked the keys in your car and have to wait for someone to bring you a spare (I did that 4 times in a week).
I lost some important receipts today and although I’m stressed out, I would like to stop for a minute and tell you how I get through these trying moments.
I searched in my purse (where they should’ve been), in the couches, under the couches, behind the tv, and in the toy bin in case my son took it.
As I’m searching, the freight train of curse words starts forming in my head towards myself.
“How could you be so stupid?”
“How could you forget where they were?”
“Why didn’t you put them somewhere safer? You knew they were important!”
I go on like this, on and on, until a void is created within me and I just want to fall in it.
I go from thinking that I’m stupid to feeling it. Every bit of self esteem I worked hard to build all day has dissipated from all of my mental and emotional abuse.
I really hate losing things. Like really hate it. Especially something as important as receipts or keys.
And I hate myself even more when I lose things. More than usual.
Is this something you go through, too?
We all go through it
If you have a mental health disorder, you know that memory is short. We struggle with thinking things all the way through, which leaves room for many errors when getting to the end of a task.
I find when my anxiety is the highest, and the overthinking begins, it replaces the normal function of my brain and memory is just out of the question.
What’s worse is when I do remember what I forgot, realizing it’s too late, it only adds to my anxiety! What a catch 22!
I try hard to give myself grace on most days, but losing things just make me… lose it.
However, I’m working through all of those negative emotions towards myself. It takes practice and time, but it is definitely possible to work towards changing.
The steps to a changing mindset
First, I need to forgive myself.
I am human and like all humans, I mess up. I make fallible mistakes.Flaws in others are acceptable, but I hold myself to a standard of perfection. It just isn’t fair. I should be allowed room for error.
Second, most problems have a solution.
I need to get logical about the problem and instead of melting into my head like that, I need to get straight to the solution.
I’m sure some stores have policies about missing receipts and I’m sure some will even reprint it. Cool. I can breathe a bit.
On the mornings when my keys are no where to be found, I simply make sure to notify my job or my date that I’m going to be late. Then at least they are aware of the situation and I’m not feeling overly anxious about them possibly getting upset because I’m late.
I mean… not perfect. But that’s totally ok. I’m finding solutions instead of the self-abuse.
Third, I’m learning that there’s more to me than the things I lose.
I actually had an awesome day filled with moments of laughter with my daughter and chasing my son down for a tickle fight.
I also had a great day at work despite how stressful teaching gets sometimes.
I also remembered to take all my stomach ulcer meds (gross) and feed myself.
I’ll take the wins where I can get them!
And yes… I lost something important today. But it was a thing that can either be fixed or replaced. But I can’t fix or replace my soul within me. I have to be kind to me even when I’m actively screwing up.
UPDATE: Found out I didn’t even need those receipts! Woot Woot!