It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on my blog. I hate that I’ve been absent, but I also have been muddling through some complicated, painful emotions that need serious addressing.
I’m far from truly understanding the depth of what I’ve been going through, but I’m resurfacing long enough to hash it out.
I was recently triggered by an epic event that has been rippling through my existence. The thoughts have consumed me, broken me, then made me numb to everything. Despite it being a few weeks ago, I’m still in a state of shock.
What had happened was…
My best friend of 14 years got married.
I adore my friend. Truly we’ve been through some absolutely terrible times together and he is the one person I can truly say stuck by me for this long. We have a relationship that has only lasted this long because of God’s love and compassion. He has taught me so much about love, life, and living. More importantly, he always challenges me to be a better me.
He pushed me to start this blog! He’s always reminding me that I have a story within me- one of trial and triumph- and I have to share it.
He’s my everything!
However, my marriage is in shambles. At this point, I have lost all hope of God being able to restore my relationship and I’m dealing with the fallout. My nightmare of raising two kids alone has been solidified.
I knew going to my best friend’s wedding would trigger some serious issues for me… but he’s my best friend! I HAD to go.
So I went. And I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since.
I had wonderful moments of feeling absolutely so happy for them! He and his wife looked so beautiful and it was evident they were made for each other. He was truly happy. I could feel it on him when I was around him. It inspired me!
But then came the downfall of my past.
I came to the realization that I’ve actually never been loved (romantically). A few months into being married, I found out it was sort of arranged and love had nothing to do with why my husband married me. I thought back to every broken relationship and came up empty-handed. I struggled with my relationship with my mom and my father was absent. My mother told me things that stuck with me for decades… like “even God couldn’t love a person like you”.
My husband said things like “I just don’t like being around you. You’re always depressed”.
It takes a lot for someone to dedicate their life and their love to you. It’s hard to find someone willing. I’ve never seen that.
I’ve loved fiercely and deeply. But there was always something- some barrier why he couldn’t be with me. And the one man who does marry me didn’t love me or actually want to be married to me. It was a business arrangement gone horrifically wrong.
I get it. I’m unlove-able. Who could love someone like me anyway, right? I’ve had depression and anxiety my whole life. My parents couldn’t love me… how could I ask a man to do something my life-givers wouldn’t do? Seems irrational.
I sat through a wedding ceremony with these thoughts. I felt hopeless. I felt the crushing of my spirit. I felt almost like I didn’t belong there. Here I am… supposed to be all excited for my friend… but I’m drowning in the spiral of hurt and wishing I could disappear from there.
I thought I was going to die. The hurt was so much. I felt like I was carrying an anvil from place to place that no one could see.
Naturally, I had to numb the pain. I drank as much as I could. Once I started to sober up and think about my pain, I drank some more.
When I came home after the wedding, I knew I had to get it together for my kids. I did my best to hang out with them and love on them. But I felt different. Everything felt different.
I felt the ugliness. The rejection. The crushing. I remember looking into my son’s face who was wrapped around my leg trying to regain my life back. But I was void.
My heart is pounding into my fingertips as I type this. Just rehashing all of this is sucking the life out of me.
I wish I could say I’m clear of all of this turmoil and hurting, but it still comes like waves and crashes into me.
More recently, I’ve turned to God’s word looking for hope and rescue. I needed evidence that I am loved and I found it in God’s mercy and the sacrifice Jesus made for me. It’s unimaginable. Here I am… broken and unlove-able by the world’s standards… but Jesus couldn’t imagine Heaven without me so He gave up EVERYTHING so I can share in that inheritance. It’s the most beautiful love story I’ve had a part of.
I’m also FIGHTING to love myself. It’s seriously a fight. With the amount of rejection I’ve had to shoulder from every possible source, I am digging for the beautiful things in me and focusing on those things.
I talk a lot of junk about my “broken brain”. I have fought through an array of mental health disorders just to be here and that is something to be proud of… not something to cower behind.
A good friend is training me in “changing my narrative”. The story I tell myself every day is crucial to my survival.
Am I going to be an “unlove-able single mother with a broken brain” or a warrior child of God that brought life into this world? And as far as lost love goes, God has removed a lot of the fake stuff out of the way to make room for something real. I’m holding out hope that something real will find me one day. And even if it doesn’t, I am so completely loved by God that it won’t make a difference.
I’m learning how to be really picky about what I think about myself. I try to dismiss the negative, ugly thoughts and bond with the positive ones. It takes work but well worth the fight.
I’m worth the fight.
Because I am loved.
Regardless of what my past may say about me.
I am loved.
Oh my goodness, yes! Yes, you ARE loved. You are seen. You are heard. And you are DEEPLY loved by God. You keep hanging on to that truth, friend. Praying for you to be wrapped up in His comforting love, peace and comfort.
Thank you so much for affirming God’s love! And thank you for reading my story!
You have a lot of strength posting this story! Many people end up in a pile of self-destruction because of the internal struggles that were never given an outlet, but you are the plant that shot through the hardened ground! No toxic relationship is worth staying in. Some stay for the kids, but children are VERY observant. Would you advise your kids to stay in this type of relationship or would you encourage them to muster up the strength to break free of their binding chains? Fear encourages silence and enforces constraints, so the words you have shared here are already working to break you free. Keep writing. Even if you cry from your own words, keep writing. Your words combined with your faith will lead to your freedom. The love is there. It’s just waiting for you to break free towards it. ❤
This was absolutely beautiful! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement!
No body is un-lovable you just need to find your tribe who appreciates you. I hope you get through this difficult time and rise with a new strength for getting through it!
I’ve been there. Thank you for helping others.
What a story. You ARE loved and you are beautiful. You are NOT broken…and neither is your brain. Rarely do I go on someone else’s blog and post something like this, but have you looked into homeopathy? I am currently working with a client who has serious depression and gut issues and his wife is amazed at the progress we’ve made with him in just 4 months. It’s worth looking into. It would be a great adjunct to what your friend is helping you with already. I’m happy to point you in any direction for more information if you ever need to contact me. (((Hugs)))
Thank you so much for the suggestion! I’ve never considered it… but what do you know? I have gut issues too along with everything else I’m going through. I’ll hit you up and figure out how I can get that help. Thank you again for offering!
Thank you for being so honest and open with thought thoughts that I think everyone has at one point or another whether they want to admit it or not… You are loved!
I loved your story and I am glad that you are sharing it because there are so many people that are fighting just like you.
You got this, keep thinking positive thoughts about yourself.
You are a beautiful lady!
God loves you so much! I hope and pray you feel that today and every day of your life!
Yes you are loved! If not by people, most definitely by God Himself! Thanks for opening up.
Wow. This is just such a hard place to be and to push through. I’m so happy you know that you are worth being loved. Depression and anxiety are so difficult. I have only experiences PPD and PPA, but it was debilitating. You are worth it, you are beautiful and you are worthy of being loved by someone!
Hang in there, such distructive lies we believe about ourselves, but you are beautiful, lovable, and more than enough!
Keep working toward your future Christella! You have a powerful story, and you are loved! I am sorry for what you have been through to bring you to a low point, but you can rise above it. I know you can. Thank you for sharing!
Reading this post was like reading my biography. I’m currently battling with the same feelings but I’m working through them. I’m praying that things will continue to get better for you.
Thank you Jay! I pray you get through your fight as well! You are more than a conqueror!
You are so beautiful! I hope you know how much you mean to everyone in your life.
Beautiful post! I have gone through similar feelings most of my life. It’s so important to remember that you are loved, by friends and family.