It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on my blog. I hate that I’ve been absent, but I also have been muddling through some complicated, painful emotions that need serious addressing.
I’m far from truly understanding the depth of what I’ve been going through, but I’m resurfacing long enough to hash it out.
I was recently triggered by an epic event that has been rippling through my existence. The thoughts have consumed me, broken me, then made me numb to everything. Despite it being a few weeks ago, I’m still in a state of shock.
What had happened was…
My best friend of 14 years got married.
I adore my friend. Truly we’ve been through some absolutely terrible times together and he is the one person I can truly say stuck by me for this long. We have a relationship that has only lasted this long because of God’s love and compassion. He has taught me so much about love, life, and living. More importantly, he always challenges me to be a better me.
He pushed me to start this blog! He’s always reminding me that I have a story within me- one of trial and triumph- and I have to share it.
He’s my everything!
However, my marriage is in shambles. At this point, I have lost all hope of God being able to restore my relationship and I’m dealing with the fallout. My nightmare of raising two kids alone has been solidified.
I knew going to my best friend’s wedding would trigger some serious issues for me… but he’s my best friend! I HAD to go.
So I went. And I don’t think I’ve stopped crying since.
I had wonderful moments of feeling absolutely so happy for them! He and his wife looked so beautiful and it was evident they were made for each other. He was truly happy. I could feel it on him when I was around him. It inspired me!
But then came the downfall of my past.
I came to the realization that I’ve actually never been loved (romantically). A few months into being married, I found out it was sort of arranged and love had nothing to do with why my husband married me. I thought back to every broken relationship and came up empty-handed. I struggled with my relationship with my mom and my father was absent. My mother told me things that stuck with me for decades… like “even God couldn’t love a person like you”.
My husband said things like “I just don’t like being around you. You’re always depressed”.
It takes a lot for someone to dedicate their life and their love to you. It’s hard to find someone willing. I’ve never seen that.
I’ve loved fiercely and deeply. But there was always something- some barrier why he couldn’t be with me. And the one man who does marry me didn’t love me or actually want to be married to me. It was a business arrangement gone horrifically wrong.
I get it. I’m unlove-able. Who could love someone like me anyway, right? I’ve had depression and anxiety my whole life. My parents couldn’t love me… how could I ask a man to do something my life-givers wouldn’t do? Seems irrational.
I sat through a wedding ceremony with these thoughts. I felt hopeless. I felt the crushing of my spirit. I felt almost like I didn’t belong there. Here I am… supposed to be all excited for my friend… but I’m drowning in the spiral of hurt and wishing I could disappear from there.
I thought I was going to die. The hurt was so much. I felt like I was carrying an anvil from place to place that no one could see.
Naturally, I had to numb the pain. I drank as much as I could. Once I started to sober up and think about my pain, I drank some more.
When I came home after the wedding, I knew I had to get it together for my kids. I did my best to hang out with them and love on them. But I felt different. Everything felt different.
I felt the ugliness. The rejection. The crushing. I remember looking into my son’s face who was wrapped around my leg trying to regain my life back. But I was void.
My heart is pounding into my fingertips as I type this. Just rehashing all of this is sucking the life out of me.
I wish I could say I’m clear of all of this turmoil and hurting, but it still comes like waves and crashes into me.
More recently, I’ve turned to God’s word looking for hope and rescue. I needed evidence that I am loved and I found it in God’s mercy and the sacrifice Jesus made for me. It’s unimaginable. Here I am… broken and unlove-able by the world’s standards… but Jesus couldn’t imagine Heaven without me so He gave up EVERYTHING so I can share in that inheritance. It’s the most beautiful love story I’ve had a part of.
I’m also FIGHTING to love myself. It’s seriously a fight. With the amount of rejection I’ve had to shoulder from every possible source, I am digging for the beautiful things in me and focusing on those things.
I talk a lot of junk about my “broken brain”. I have fought through an array of mental health disorders just to be here and that is something to be proud of… not something to cower behind.
A good friend is training me in “changing my narrative”. The story I tell myself every day is crucial to my survival.
Am I going to be an “unlove-able single mother with a broken brain” or a warrior child of God that brought life into this world? And as far as lost love goes, God has removed a lot of the fake stuff out of the way to make room for something real. I’m holding out hope that something real will find me one day. And even if it doesn’t, I am so completely loved by God that it won’t make a difference.
I’m learning how to be really picky about what I think about myself. I try to dismiss the negative, ugly thoughts and bond with the positive ones. It takes work but well worth the fight.
I’m worth the fight.
Because I am loved.
Regardless of what my past may say about me.
I am loved.